in my mind, the purpose of friendships is for them to help you make your life easier and to give you a purpose by helping them make theirs easier.
an active tool you can use to better and complete yourself.
but people are so afraid of losing their tool that they “prepare for the worst” by trying to face their problems on their own in some conquest of “true strength” and “self-sufficiency”
this really bothers me bc if you have a tool that makes you stronger and able to conquer more, why are you not using it?? you may conquer so much with it that you’ll one day be able to deal with the loss of it much more gracefully.
the crack in the windshield was doing such cool things.
ugh I just woke up from a dream that carly had sex with kaelan and realized how I’m still not over her lying to me/having sex w/ payton, even though she is completely out of my life now.
I was surprisingly okay with it in the dream and then I started to realize the actual gravity of what had happened and my heart started hurting and I woke up and thought it was still real and my heart hurt so much more badly than it did in the dream.
I’m starting to realize that it is something I will never be “over”, just something I’ll eventually forget the pain of. But jesus christ the reminder of the pain this morning was awful. My heart still hurts. I forgot I hurt that much.